another of us snuck off the unit downstairs because the place is shared with another treatment facility and got something from a guy downstairs

they would leave the door open during the day most of the time ... they had a cell phone hidden and contacted him, didnt take 5 seconds...

i went in the bathroom one time to do adderall and then in my bedroom to do heroin and was crushing up my wellbutrin they were giving me by putting them under my tongue and going to my room with it

i was drug tested like 5 times while there but they never talked to me about it so i dont know if i failed or not, they talked to the others though so i just figured i passed...

i only got high like 3 times though within 30 days or whatever...

its the only thing that i know you know?
i dont know anything else, i dont know who i am, i dont know what to expect... if i stop, im going to fall apart again... i dont want to go through another crisis... i dont want to feel the pain... i dont want to experience those emotions... feelings...

im not happy right now but im not feeling like i was, i dont want to go back to feeling that way, i just cant you know? it will kill me.... i cant....

im scared to go back to that way, i dont know whats wrong with me but i just want to stay like this because its not painful... like... i dont know if that makes any sense...
the pain that i go through is unbearable and i dont want to end up killing myself...

im afraid if i do ANYTHING that i'll trigger a crisis, i feel so fragile and like im on the edge of a cliff... im just trying not to fall off the best i can, the only way i know how

stay calm... trying to stay calm and do what i do you know? avoidance i guess... i've told them that im not going back to therapy right now, im pretty much slowing my treatment down at the moment because its too much for me or became too much for me to deal with... and i just need me time, time to figure out whats going on...

time to stabilize this mess in my head and try to center myself and come to my senses or actually figure out who i am in all this mess...

everyone wants me to get sober but i cant right now you know?
its all i got at the moment... i cant explain it... i just dont want to go back to the pain

i've been sober for 1 day and already my mind is trying to crash, its so scary, i just try to block everything out... but the rumination continues...