Cross-posted from Couch:
Just had a really rough marriage counseling session (and it was actually all about our marriage!). Started with just us describing what happened in a fight last week, which led to me crying, then MC was trying to get us to do these exercises (he doesn't usually do that) where we each explained to the other one what they said. I got the sense from MC that I failed miserably at that. I know he was trying to get H to say all his stuff and express everything he's feeling, and I was reflexively jumping in, then MC seemed to call me on that. Which made me cry.

Then at one point H said it felt like I didn't care. So MC wanted me to turn to H and explain to him why I cared about him. Which...I couldn't seem to do. I said it was like with my daughter, I just...care about her because I do. So I felt I failed at that as well. And then I just sort of lost it, like putting my head in my hands and sobbing and saying I felt like a failure as a wife, and MC was saying that I was generalizing, that H was talking about a thing, not about me. But he'd also said earlier in session (in relation to fight) that he felt put-upon all the time because he has to do so much with our daughter. So to me it was like on multiple fronts. But then I felt bad because I was making it about me, when MC was trying to focus on H.

MC kept trying to resteer it back around to saying how we each felt from the argument, focusing on H first, and I just kept completely failing, like everything I was trying to say about him, it felt like MC thought it was really about me, even stuff like me trying to understand H's needs and what he wants from me in different situations. So I'd start to say something, then be like, "I'm sorry, I'm doing it again, I suck" and start crying again (and of course MC only had a few tissues left--luckily I had some Starbucks napkins in my purse). It just sort of went on like that, with me also saying at one point that I was a cheater (one night, year and a half ago) and between that and the other stuff H is saying, I didn't understand why he'd want to stay with me.

I was crying so much that I felt sick and wanted to run out of the room, but I didn't. We were over time, but MC kept trying to work with us, saying to me after my one outburst how we should deal with both things, what I just said and what H had been talking about, and which thing did I think we should deal with first. I said H of course. And he was trying to get H to talk about what he'd been talking about before, but I think H had been mostly done, and he was trying to figure out what to say.

There was some other stuff, including an MC golf analogy where he stood up and demonstrated what he keeps doing wrong with his swing (was sorta related)--I think he was trying to lighten the mood at the end. We did laugh a bit at the end over something I said, so I wasn't as much of a wreck when I left, but still pretty bad. At least it must have been obvious that I was really upset to the teenage boy MC was retrieving late, so hopefully the teen understood.

H and daughter get home in an hour--they were supposed to go to the pool but of course it just started storming. H was being pretty understanding when he walked me to my car, so I'm not worried about him being mad. I'm just so emotionally drained right now that I want to curl up in a ball the rest of the night. I just wish I hadn't lost it so much in session--there was some other marriage-related stuff I'd wanted to talk about (that was tied to the fight) but couldn't in the midst of all that. At least T is back and I see her Wed....