I'm so sorry to hear how you're struggling. You have a lot going on in your head, but that doesn't have to hold you back from recovery. It's hard to get clean and sober when your mind poses so many distractions. You have to be ready to make so many changes that don't feel safe. I totally get why it's hard.

I was finally ready when it became totally clear that my options were to quit or die a really long and slow death, but realizing that took a long time.

You seem kind of directionless right now. What would you like your life to be like if you could get clean, sober, and and stable?