How am I supposed to come back? How am I supposed to get through this week?
I'm an idiot. I'm a ****ing idiot.
I thought I could trust you. I thought you gave a damn. About me, I mean. As a person. Now I feel like an absolute idiot for thinking I'm a person at all.
You would sacrifice me.
You would sacrifice me for the sake of other people.
I'm a number. I'm a number on a list of numbers, I'm the lowest number on a list of numbers. I'm just a number.
It doesn't matter what reporting would do to me. It doesn't matter what it would put me through. I don't matter.
I don't know why I keep trying therapy thinking it's ever going to work or be positive. I've ****ing never had a positive experience in ****ing therapy. I just want to believe I don't have to do this alone, be alone, that there's something better than feeling like this, that someone could care. That I could matter. That my life could matter.
But it doesn't.
Other people matter.
Protecting other people matters
Protecting me does not matter and never has
I am on my own
I am alone
I am nothing
Nothing to S
Nothing to you
Nothing to anyone unless I am serving their needs
Paying them one way or another
There is my worth: What I can pay. What need I can meet. What I can tell that would protect someone else.