Texted MC this morning because I was still feeling awful, asking if maybe we could talk (and I know he doesn't see clients on Tuesdays). He called a little after 4 (and we apparently talked for 43 minutes ).

He started with this long monologue about the session, and I kept thinking I could jump in, but then he was still going. Wasn't feeling too hopeful about the call at that point, because I thought maybe he just had this message he wanted to get across and wasn't going to respond to what was really bothering me. But we got there eventually.

He brought up his golf swing analogy again, saying that he was trying to use that to say we can keep doing things wrong, that everyone does that, and it's OK, that some things take practice. How he also still struggles with talking to his teenage son, that he'll often say the wrong thing, like what he thinks he should say, not what his son needs to hear right then. And he'll make a mistake, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love his son. But that we all have things like that, where we try to say the right thing but mess up. And that it's OK.

He said that what he was trying to get me to do in session--listen to H's feelings, reflect them back without talking about my stuff, etc.--is something that takes practice too. And that he didn't expect me to be perfect at it. That it was a skill I had to work on. And it was OK that I didn't get it right. That it didn't say anything about me as a person, that I was terrible or a failure (words I used at the time or in texts).

I said it was hard because it felt like he just kept pushing me and calling me on not saying the right thing, even though I was visibly very upset. He said how recently I'd asked him if I thought I was making progress. He said maybe a year ago, he wouldn't have done that, because he would have thought maybe I couldn't have handled it then. But he thought I could now, and he was right. I replied, "But I was sobbing and freaking out. I felt sick, I wanted to run out of the room." He said yes, I may have felt that way, that maybe it wasn't pleasant, but I still handled it. And things like that can be really difficult. Somewhere in there he also said he had respect for me, which was nice to hear.

I said how when I was really upset, it felt like I was out in the water and wanted someone to throw me a lifeboat (I meant "lifeline" but couldn't think of word!) but it felt like he was just there watching me drown. He said in the past, maybe he would have rescued me, thrown me a lifeline, but he thought I could handle it. I said how I wanted to take a break at one point but didn't feel like I should, and he said that would have been OK. That I could have sort of thrown my own lifeline.

Talked about it being OK to make mistakes, how he makes mistakes, and even if it's only 5% of the time in session, it still means he's making a mistake every few days. But that doesn't mean he should stop being a clinician. I said if it was more like 95% of time, might different. He laughed and said that would be time to take a hard look at his career. So he said it was OK for me to make mistakes, too. I said I knew that, but it was hard. He said how baseball players know it's not realistic to hit .500 so they don't expect to. I said I suspected my expectations of myself were higher than that, and he said, "Oh, I'm sure they're much higher." I said I knew I was a perfectionist and had to work on that. He agreed. And said he wanted it to be OK for me to make a mistake with H and just let it go as a mistake, not beat myself up over it or think it makes me a terrible person. I said yeah, that if I don't do the dishes, to not think I'm a terrible wife.

I said I didn't want to keep him on the phone, but had one other comment. He said it was OK, not to worry about it. I said I knew much of this was tied into transference. How I was worried that he thought, especially because of stuff in session, that I was selfish and self-centered. He said he didn't think that. How wanting to talk about my feelings and reactions didn't mean I was selfish. I thanked him and said that because I see him as an authority figure, I want him to think good things about me, that I'm a good person. He said that made sense.

And he said he hoped at some point...that he remembers how he used to always agree with what his older brother and sister said. And then at one point, he disagreed with them. But did he go along with them because he looked up to them? Or say his own thing? And that was sort of a big deal to him, when it was OK to feel that.

He said with the transference thing, that he hoped that I could reach a point where I could disagree with him and get angry or frustrated with him--I said I had felt that before. He said yes, but for it to be OK, for me not to worry about it, to not apologize for it. I said I guessed I hadn't had the best examples of that from authority figures, because my mom would be upset if I didn't agree with her, even when I was a teen.

Thing about it being OK to make mistakes came up again, and I said I remembered how he said at one point, he would ask his daughter what mistake she'd made that day and then high-five her for it, like "Good job!" I said maybe I needed to do that with H. But either he misheard me or was joking around, but he was like, "So you're going to find my daughter and start high-fiving her then? That's..." I said, "Yeah that might be a bit weird. I meant with H, or just myself. But then again, you did call her during that one session, but she didn't answer." He said maybe he'd have to find something else to call her about in session with us then, to bug her.

At the end, he said how he wasn't necessarily expecting them, but also wasn't surprised by my texts and e-mails after session. I said I hoped those were OK and that the call was, and he said they were, that it was all part of the process. I thanked him and said it was really helpful and that I appreciated his being OK with the contact and for calling me. He said that it was OK. He asked if I was feeling better, and I could honestly say that I was. He said he'd see me Monday and "Take care." I said him too and thanks. I know there was a lot in there (left some out, too), but it really didn't feel like nearly a full session's worth of time. And I was surprised to see that when I hung up and looked at call time on my phone.