I know there's several topics in this post, but they all feel interrelated. If anyone has any thoughts on just one aspect, I'd appreciate it.

I've always had a hard time accepting every aspect of my gender and sexuality.

Let's start with my sex: I was born female and I've been treated as lesser and in some cases as subhuman because I had the audacity to be born without a penis. I feel like it's held me back so much. Men often don't even acknowledge my presence. I'm just my significant other's "arm candy" I guess. Not an actual person. And let's just say, obviously I NEVER made a choice to be female. Given a choice I would have been male, just so I could have been born with "person" status. I just cannot accept that I'm female and gag if I have to refer to myself as a "woman". I will however, refer to myself as female, as that denotes that I in fact have a vagina and I can't really deny that.

And that leads to gender identity issues. I can't and will not identify myself as a woman. So I guess the most accurate description is gender fluid? There are times that I feel "male" and just wish I could connect with guys, but I'm female sexed and was socialized as female so there's always this huge disconnect. Which is too bad. If they were more open to the possibility of me having things in common with them, they would realize we might have things in common. Or if given the opportunity, I might enjoy things they like as well. (Duh! Right?)

One thing in common with straight men at least, is that I'm attracted to women as well. Which is hard to accept since I come from such a misogynistic and homophobic background. I feel terrible having sexual thoughts at all, let alone ones towards women. And since I didn't really have the opportunity to have a same sex experience, it's like I'm a hypocrite and a liar. And since I'm in an opposite sex monogamous relationship, I'm again, a hypocrite and a liar. And for admitting my feelings or implying them, I've lost all my closest female friends and was asked nicely to leave an all female organization, just for my own well being.

And with sexuality in general, I feel such horrible guilt finding anyone attractive. I've learned throughout my life that having sexual thoughts towards ANYONE (regardless of sex or gender identity) is wrong and I'm a creep. And being in a relationship, it's even more wrong (even though my partner honestly doesn't care). I just feel so horrible. I can't stop thinking other people are attractive occasionally. It just often becomes obsessive whether I like it or not.

It also creates a newfound guilt with masturbation. It feels wrong to do it at all but it's the only way I can have an orgasm and I don't think I could go the rest of my life never having an orgasm again. The only way it happens with another person is if I masturbate next to the other person and if that's the extent of my sex life, I'd rather just masturbate on my own most of the time (way less stressful). I only have one position where an orgasm is comfortable (on my stomach) and that's difficult to do with another person. On my back, if it does happen (and I had to train my body to do it in the last couple years or so) it either hurts or it's a complete letdown. And so if I even get close, I tend to hit a wall because I know how much it'll probably hurt.

You know, maybe if I could have an orgasm with an attentive partner that pushes himself to discomfort to try to get me off, (like a normal, not ungrateful person), maybe I could accept my sexuality. It would at least be a start. I think a big part of it is I have sensory issues with touch. Even cuddling, there are touches that I just can't handle (like the tactile version of nails on a chalkboard) and since it doesn't seem well defined as to where the line is pleasurable and sensory overload, no touch (especially sexual) is really "safe".