Thank you again for answering.

but here i dont think i can talk about what "better" or "worse" is, because i feel i envy BOTH. just for having a life, feelings, rights to be who they are.

Jennifer, i like your idea of making a list, i love lists, but this is so complicated.

since i dont really know if i want to feel "better" or "worse", i dont know what i envy in others. i mean, i know what i envy but im not sure id want those things for myself.

for example: two girls i know are pregnant. i THINK i envy them, for having first a bf, then a husband, then a home, a family and finally a kid.

BUT, if i had the possibility to have a bf, get married and become pregnant, say tomorrow or next month... i dont think i'd like that. i like the idea but the fact itself is scary for me. i feel kids are a chain to life and im not sure i want one. this is about having a baby, but this goes for anything i envy others for.

i guess i envy their... life? their feelings? what they do? because others seem so normal, so in right of their feelings... mine dont make sense. my thoughts and feelings are contrasting. and i dont feel like i have a life or like im living. just barely existing. so meaningless, so empty, so nothing. i dont know what i have done, what im doing, what i want... others make so much sense, i dont...