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Old Jul 19, 2017, 07:52 AM
elevatedsoul's Avatar
elevatedsoul elevatedsoul is offline
Ascended
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: usa
Posts: 3,836
i dont really have any friends
but the people im around, maybe...

i'm really hard on myself, i try to be nice and stuff but i dont feel like i have control over it... i have conversations with myself all day, arguments, that are not just 1 sided... i feel very broken, split, divided... its very confusing because i cant understand how one person can be like this, how one person can experience such a division in experience...

its like im coexisting with many of me and the only thing i have found to do is to try to block it all out so that it doesnt take me over or cause any pain but in the process i've broken myself even, becoming lost along the way... getting high relieves tension, pain, makes me feel normal, makes things inside feel quiet, makes me happy, smile, i joke and play, like being a kid i dont want those feelings to go away, if i stop having those feelings... then i might as well stop living... because the only time i ever feel anything good or like that is when im doing stuff like that... its like playing in the back yard when you are little...

when im sober i have a hard time because its like these thoughts come from inside, that im worthless, unhappy, failing, cant do anything right, and the longer i am sober the more taxing it becomes... i start to feel it physically... i start to talk to myself... but not really to myself because its a 2 people or whatever conversation...

i just get really bad... alot of pain... suffering... i dont want to go through it anymore, you know..?
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