That some days are easy and others...well....suck.

Today is that day. it started good and went bad in an awful instant. I feel like I can never get past what happened to me, like its always there. lurking, waiting to pounce on me. and i have no place to run to.

Tough day. just feels like i want to hurt physically and let the emotional go. Just toss it to the side, what is wrong with me? The cycle repeats itself. One good moment, ten bad. then this undeniable urge to SI. Just feels so bad tonite. Sitting here with my boxcutter. Staring at it. Wondering why the urge is so uncontrollable. Other ways i feel like its my control to do it. To release whats going awry in my mind.

Sorry to vent. Just when I thought I was feeling better......here we go again. Such a nice ride this morning, then after talking and talking and talking to just about everybody i know, I feel so darn depressed.

I need to sleep. Cant sleep. Its been almost a month since the last time I cut. Just starting to heal really well. Would hate to mess this up. But thoughts are jumbled. Almost craving drugs, or something. but the urge is so strong it cancels out the craving.

Wierd.....i know.
Thanks,
Colleen