intro..omg..I just wrote this big long heartfelt message to you and its gone.

I said...this happens...and it happened alot to me over the past 3 years..I would get many days together and usually around 3-3.5 weeks I would want to drink again...or feel like i HAD to drink again. Sometimes it was closer..it could be 2 weeks....

We are alcoholics..and it is a known fact that it is very hard to stop drinking alcohol when we have gotten into the progression of the disease as we age...its talked about in medical books...it progresses..and there is nothing we can do about it...and we are in so much danger the older we get the more we drink.

I can't tell you how many times I was hospitalized these last 3 years because i was so sick from alcohol abuse and almost died 1 of the times (for real) and what did I do...stopped for about 20 days and then drank again....I have gone 2 months and it is the longest time I have had in 3 years....and I know that is the last thing someone who just drank wants to hear..."Gee I have 2 months"....

What you need to hear...is you know what sober feels like now...you know the sleep will get better, you know the anxiety will get better....we obviously look and feel better when we stop drinking...and then WHAM...that uncontrollable urge comes..and we drink thinking...just this one more time...and it either goes that way or it goes back to being out of control .

I know exactly why i haven't drank in 2 months...I was at the 2 week point and I had a drunk dream..woke up...thought I had drank...was SO ****ING GRATEFUL I did not drink that i literally jumped out of bed...sang to the refrigerator to get my coffee..and I have held on to that joy since that day....BUT...if I did not have that dream..I probably would have at some point in the last 2 months drank.

They talk that a Psychic change needs to occur and I'm not sure we can MAKE that happen..the last time it happened to me was in 2005...i just was really sick of being sick...I was hallucinating (seeing dead people)...and I didn't want to live like that anymore...I QUIT FOR 8 years...after that 2005-2014.

Then i drank in 2014...until May of this year...just keep quitting and hopefully something will "get" to you and get you that gift that you need so desperately.