Where do I begin? The lights were off which was nice, considering if it's a little darker than noonday outside she turns her overheads on because she can't see peoples facial movements well enough (her words, not mine). We talked about my new clothes (part of therapy to stop dressing like it's winter and hiding my body). She could tell I was overly nervous because of the previous days events. She leaned forward on the chair, was speaking in this odd volume that after 3 years of being with her I've never heard. It was a calming, quiet, but stern and 'this is important so listen to me' type of voice. I can still hear it.

We talked about it. We talked about how I have a dark side that I keep hidden. It's my secret. We talked about how it would calm me. She understood but that it isn't healthy, it's the calm before doing something stupid. (again, her words). Giving it space, allowing those ideas to live, and have grow is dangerous. That I can't have secrets if I want to be healthy, they cannot exist together in therapy.

We openly talked about my dark side and why I hide it, she said, "in this room - you cannot be **good ellah** all the time, you don't need to hide that side from me. I can handle it, yes it's hard for me to see you that way but it's my job."

I was crying the entire time. She said she wasn't there to shame me or guilt me or make me feel bad about all of the thoughts and what I've done, she's there to help me learn how to handle them. That she wasn't ready to have an with my crazy *** family all together in one room. That lightened the room a little.

I asked her if she was mad at me for keeping from her what I did. She said it didn't matter if she was upset about it or not. It's me that needs to work through it, her feelings do not matter. So that leads me to believe she was upset over it. Which I guess I don't blame her.

It was a weird session but I felt loved, held, understood, and heard. I texted her later and told her I wouldn't keep anything from her. Whether I knew the words or not. She gave me a close hug and told me that she'd , and told me not to do something stupid without calling her first.

There was more to the session, but that's all I can verbalize/remember.