Greetings, friend... I want you to know that after reading about your experiences, I do not feel any judgement of you at all. It's important to remind yourself that you were not operating with any ill intentions towards anyone else - you were simply trying to handle and respond to the novel circumstances you were experiencing as best you could given your state of being at that time. You also have to understand that the aspect of your psyche that is continually beating yourself up and reinforcing these self-defeating and disempowering thoughts - that's coming from the physical mind (tied to the physical body) and it's not a reflection of your higher nature. You exist above & beyond these challenging emotions and the critical thoughts & judgements running through your (physical) mind. The more you can reinforce this awareness and discover this truth for yourself - the more you will free/liberate yourself from your former hurting & affliction... You will eventually be able to make peace with these life experiences you've had. Why do these types of challenging life experiences unfold? To help teach you something about yourself through influencing you to conduct deeper introspection and self-exploration. As a result of what you've been through, you are going to be pushed/steered in a new direction and into new territory as it relates to your state of consciousness/awareness. Eventually you will make peace with your past because you will then understand the role that it played in guiding you down a path that led to extremely important personal growth (consciousness evolution). There is a much bigger plan/picture at work here and I know it's hard to realize that when you are going through internal turmoil and just want to experience relief. Hang in there and push your way through this - as the day is going to come when you will be grateful that you did, and you will be perceiving all of this in an entirely new light that you never would have previously imagined was achievable..