Thank you Wolfgaze,
the first message was interesting, but the second definitely hit the nail on the head.
yes, im deeply dissatisfied with me and my life, surely not at peace with myself and i also lack of self acceptance.

if i only had one thing going well, i think i could overlook the rest and feel "lucky" at least in that area. i think that would keep me from comparing myself to others constantly and envy them for anything. i could feel some peace.

truth is i feel very unlucky and i dont have anybody else to blame but me.
so one part of me feels i dont deserve anything good and the other part wonders if i really dont deserve a little bit of luck in my life - just luck, not that i deserve good things...