Long story short, my dad is a narcissistic alcoholic sociopath who has made thr last ten years (at least) of my life HELL. He's manipulative and downright insane and he's totally broken me and my family. My parents divorced five years ago and we've spent that time trying to heal. I was foolish enough to try and preserve a relationship with him until recently, when I finally broke.

I immediately decided to change my last name to my mother's maiden name. I've sat on the decision for a few months to be sure, and I'm set in it--I don't want his name anymore. He's obsessed with owning us, and I don't want to belong to him.

That being said, I've now started to think about my first name. I've never liked it much--it's a VERY common name--and it also belongs to him. It's meaning is derived from him, and that's why I was named that. I thought maybe I'd start going by my middle name, but it isn't enough. My middle name is my maternal grandmother's name: so with changing my last name, I would ha e my grandmother's name. I love her, but I have such a fierce independent streak that I want my OWN name.

So I'm thinking about changing my first name. I'm thinking about doing a derivative of my mom's, Grace, so something meaning "from grace" or "of grace" because I love her deeply and we've been through so much together and this could be a way to honor her. At the same time, I think my family will think I'm insane...and it would be super weird to suddenly have everybody calling me a new name. But it's also what I want. What should I do? How should I do it? Am I nuts here?