STBXT: I may still post here for awhile. I am obsessed now with understanding what the hell happened with us. I do not know how to forgive myself. It is not in my vocabulary.
I want to talk to you but I can't. I'm sorry I told you that the little girl felt exiled. I feel like all I do is tell you I'm sorry anymore. I'm sure you don't even believe it anymore. I am trying really hard not to hate myself. I told you one time this past winter that i want more of you than i can have. you didn't understand what i meant. or, you pretended not to. i love you. still. even after all this stupid craziness. you hate me now i'm sure, but i still stupidly love you. but we need this time and distance. i don't know what will happen in a month. maybe you will change your phone number and email address so i can't contact you as you said i could. maybe you'll move away and not tell me. maybe you're sick and didn't tell me and will die before then. I don't know. my mind is going wacko. i've had too much wine to drink already this evening. how can i be spelling everything right i don't know.