I've had a combination of things going on this past week, but I think this is the best place to post because a big part of it has been losing my long term therapist. I've been deeply attached to him, and I've been having intense grief and feelings of abandonment, even though I realize that's not what he's doing.

I've felt very lonely and needy and raw from this. Then the other day my PTSD was triggered, and I had a panic attack that left me exhausted and scared and ashamed. Because of the trauma, my PTSD makes me feel very needy and desperate for others to help me, so I tend to seek attention. Often I will do self destructive things to get people to help me. I'm really trying to learn to control this and figure out a better way to ask for support. Right now I'm struggling with those urges especially in light of losing my therapist who was a huge source of support.

I'm also just generally feeling really uncomfortable, tense, distracted, and spaced out. I have a lot of tension and pressure in my body, and I feel like I need to throw up to relieve it. I have had an eating disorder, but this is different. It just literally feels like there's so much pressure inside of me that I have to get something out. So I'm trying to resist that urge as well.

So, I don't know, I just felt like it would be good to try to articulate all of this because it's a huge confusing mess right now. I feel like there's a storm in my head with no shelter. I feel really lonely.