I am 20 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for about a year a half. I love him so much, he is always there for me and he knows exactly how to make me laugh. The thing is, when it comes about sex, he wants to do it and I don't. I was raised a hardcore Christian and even though I am no longer hardcore, some morals just stuck with me, one of them being abstinence before marriage. I tell him what I think and he understands and he's supportive and whatnot. He doesn't seem to mind or wait. BUT, I feel like I tell him that as an excuse not to have sex with him (or at all). Not that I don't physically like him, it's just that there's that slight possibility that I'm just not read, or that I just don't like the idea of sex. I've never been interested in it, seeing it on tv or reading/thinking about it grosses me out. I read about how couples should be open about their partners about their sexual needs and desires (and the sex toys, masturbation and positions), and I'm here like "how do people even do that?" It sounds too intimate and embarrassing to talk about with someone else, let alone being naked in front of someone. I can barely see myself naked in the mirror before I shower. And then I think ahead and I picture myself married but then I cry in my room because I become scared that I'm still going to have this mindset and that I won't have another excuse to not have sex.

Also pregnancy. I know I am too young for this, but sometimes I get scared that I really don't want to have kids of my own. My boyfriend is serious about having a future with me and starting a family together but I've had 4-5 dreams about being pregnant and in all of those dreams, I do not like the pregnancy. I want to abort the baby, I don't like the fact that I have someone inside of me, I don't like my stomach getting big, I just don't like anything about it. Thinking about it makes me want to adopt even more. My mom wants grandkids and my grandma wants great grandkids (I'm one of the oldest ones in my family, so I'm able to provide the baby), and I tell them that I'm not having kids "yet", because that's what they want to hear, but in reality, I'm conflicted about ever having sex or having kids of my own.

The girls I went to high school with are already having kids and they seem pretty happy, and I do want to have kids, but I can't even picture myself doing the sex or dealing with the pregnancy, hence why I want to adopt. My boyfriend knows I want to adopt, but I also told him that I want to have my own kids because I don't want to disappoint him or anything. He really wants to have a future with me and he's already being patient about my "abstinence before marriage" boundary. If I tell him what I just wrote is really going to break his heart. Is it just me or am I just too young to think about these things? Or is it something that will eventually go away as I get older?