On Thursday, we discussed the email issue again and he reiterated that he wants to know what's going on, but just to archive it and send it all at once.

Then Thursday night happened. My husband was acting angry and unstable. He threatened to set the house on fire, something he's done many times before. But this time he actually did it. He lit a fire in our thankfully uncarpeted living room floor. I freaked out. I called 911 and told them my husband had started a fire in our house so a swat team showed up. He put the fire out, apparently by dumping a whole bottle of laundry detergent on it, but then barricaded himself in our house for 6 hours. Our neighbors were forced to leave their homes. The whole block was cordoned off. They finally busted our door down and got him out. He's in jail right now. I was allowed back in the house around 4 am.

Somehow, the night of the incident I kept it pretty well put together. But after I came home, I fell asleep for an hour. My alarm woke me at 6 am and it all hit me at once what had just happened and I had a major panic attack. I really wanted to talk to my therapist at that point, but he's off on Friday, and we had just had this conversation about how he can't be on call for me and the email stuff I talked about in this thread previously. I called him and left a very teary, panicky voice mail and sent him an email with links to the news coverage of this stuff. I ended up calling a crisis line and the woman helped me calm down a bit. He called me back about half an hour later and we spoke for 7 minutes. He probably thought I was ok because at that point I wasn't crying or panicking. He offered to call me again on Sunday if I needed it.

I had several more panic attacks yesterday. Once because there was a news van outside my house and I started to feel like a prisoner in my own home. I called his voice mail again just so I could hear his voice during the panic attack and left a message saying I just wanted to hear his voice. Later that day I sent another email to him because I was having another panic attack and just needed to let him know what I was thinking and feeling at that moment. I hope he's not angry because I'm abusing the email. I am not really doing well at all. I called the crisis line again last night, but it almost seems like if you're not actively suicidal they just want to get you off the phone. I would give almost anything if I could just sit down and talk face to face with him today, but I know that can't happen. I am a complete mess today and I don't know how I'm going to get through this weekend without him. We have an appointment for Monday already.