Sorry for the typos in my first post btw, I'm on mobile so it autocorrected inaccurately, and it seems I can only go back to edit it once.
It's so difficult because family is the most important things to me and they've been the only constant in my life due to moving out of state every two years. But I know I'll have to cut them off to live my own life eventually.
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Originally Posted by reb569
I really sorry about how your mother has reacted. Sometimes family just can't be counted on to be there for you.
I'm not sure of your age. Are you over 18? Are you able to get work and work on getting out on your own? Maybe your sister and you can move out together?
Maybe, most importantly, are you in therapy? If not, I recommend giving it a try. You need someone to be on your side and support you.  |
I'm 23, and on disability because I cant work. Im having a really hard time even figuring out how to leave, because rent in my area would take more than my entire disability check, and section 8 housing doesn't seem to make much of a dent in the rent at all. Plus my sister says it's in really bad neighborhoods regarding crime rate, which would be too scary to deal with on my own.
I was thinking about pitching that idea to her, but I'm on the fence considering our own history with her abusing me and other details that would probably effect my quality of life with her.
Yesterday I finally found a seemingly good therapist and made an intake appointment but it's not until mid august...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leejosepho
Your mother's "just let things go" deal is how she tries to live with the trauma in her own life...and I would guess she has had plenty or she would not have said "learned years ago". It is not unreasonable for you to want her to show compassion over what happened to you, but she is either unwilling or unable to risk the loss of her own sense of security (her marriage) by doing so. Your father is a sick man and your mother knows that, but she lacks your motivation and courage to hold him accountable.
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Yes, she has gone through a lot of abuse and instead of dealing with it, she externalized it and put the same things she went through onto her kids. Pretending nothing happened seems to be the go to coping mechanism in my family and she doesn't care that it's doing more harm than good right now. Honestly I think she just doesn't care about what he did to me, considering her words and actions. But it's not something I'll know for sure.
Thank you for your logical approach to how my mothers feeling, it's helpful to know what her perspective may be in all of this if I ever decide to approach this subject again. Knowing doesn't stop the hurt, though... I'm worried that after I cycle through the usual grief and anger, I'll go back to yearning for her compassion and doing everything to please her, and then forget this whole situation.
I have this really bad problem where either my subconscious represses the bad things they've done, or I like ignore it unconsciously and forget that anything happened, so when something bad does happen it's more devestating than if I remembered and expected it. I can't remember if it's called trauma bonding with the abuser, but it's out of my control and if it happens again with this I'll be stuck here longer in the cycle of forgetting and being abused more. I guess...
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they/them pronouns
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long-winded rabbit