Hi L. I don't know whether to say T or Ex T or Soon to be ex T so L it is.

I did a lot of thinking just now while swimming. Trying to imagine the phone call (that's still a month away I'm such a big dork) when I ask to schedule the goodbye session. That is, if I even still want to at that point / or unless I ask to come back but for a fixed amount of time. I don't know what I want right now.

I guess I still have a lot of thinking to do about what I want. I have a very hard time knowing what I want as opposed to just wanting what others want or what I think they want me to want. I did decide that I wanted to go back to school and I've done that, so there's one point for me anyway. Now to figure out what I want where therapy is concerned.

But I know now what triggered me when I got so angry that day. It was you saying that I was being "childish" for wanting to end. I'm almost positive that you didn't mean it to sound like it did, I think you unintentionally used the wrong word, but that was the trigger. It was my mother all over again when I was little telling me to grow up, to stop being childish, ridiculing me instead of trying to understand my feelings. I can't tolerate it when you 'become' her and I just lost it. Thankfully it is a very rare occurrence. I wonder what the next 30 days is going to bring. How I will feel about all of this then. Maybe I'll have already moved on from you.

(And pigs will be flying, and the lion shall lay down with the lamb, and all that.)

oh goddess I love you so much.