So there's lots and lots of context (isn't there always?)... but the short version is that I'm awkwardly between mental health providers because I just moved from one city to another, and I'm not really established with my new t/pdoc yet (he's an all-in-one; I've only seen him three times over six weeks b/c he's been away at conferences and stuff) so my former therapist and psychiatrist were still providing some support until I got on my feet.

So anyway. I had an appointment to talk on the telephone with my former pdoc at noon and my former t at 6, and I didn't pick up when they called. They texted, called again, left voicemails. And I didn't call them back.

I've struggled pretty hard with SI and am super responsible so they both freaked out. They both called my new podc/t, who is really busy and doesn't deal with ppl outside of session hours anyway so that didn't help. The former shrinks used to have phone #s for my roommates but obv I've moved and therefore have a new roommate whose number they don't have. So finally my former pdoc CALLED MY BOSS, who paged me. (Why the former psychiatrist has my boss's number is another long complicated story but it has to do with the fact that I'm a doctor in training and therefore insurance/privacy is extra weird and also I wanted to tell her about the depression so that if I needed to take time off or something she wouldn't be quite so blindsighted.) And of course when she paged me I called her back because I'm a freaking doctor and when people page me I hafta freaking call them back and she was like, "your psychiatrist and therapist are really worried about you" and I was just dying inside like *omg my new boss REALLY DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW exactly how bad my depression is and how I'm behaving like such a child and I don't even really know why*... and she was really good about it (when I said, "I'm so sorry they called you; I'll take care of it." She said, "I don't need you to take care of it; I want to make sure you're okay") but like MY PSYCHIATRIST CALLED MY BOSS WTF IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES ANYONE EVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?!?!!

A few days later I apologized to pdoc and T. Pdoc was real understanding like "you must have been scared and upset." And in an email T said "Apology accepted, please don’t do that again. Let’s move on. And, stop hating yourself - it doesn’t help me and it doesn’t help you!" But they're both withdrawing from me. And I can't tell if it's because they've both finally spoken to pdoc/t and now he gets how sick I am and is going to be responsible for me and they don't want to get in his way... or if they're pissed/hurt/whatever?

I'm afraid it's because they're pissed/hurt. But holy crap I have patients lie to me and deceive me and try to get drugs out of me all the damn time and I still take care of them and have compassion for them. Why am I not allowed to do anything bad without all affection being withdrawn?

Gah. If you have read to the end, I am in dire need of perspective. (Is what I did that bad? Should the pdoc have called my boss? Why are they withdrawing?) Plz send halp.