feeling depressed now.. i hate this part...
suicidal feelings trying to come up it seems

i know i have a problem with substances... im being stupid...
i dont want to stop because when im not sober its easier to forget how fragile my little world is...

when im sober... everything is intensified... fall apart at the drop of a hat... but the way my mind works it will try to hold me together until i implode... because im a fraud and just put on so many fronts to the world, bottling everything up...

i cant do this... being sober i start to feel so awful... everything triggers me... i feel physically sick, not because of drugs because im not dependent or addicted like that...

but i dont know what to do, this makes me feel suicidal... i dont belong here...

they are doing medication management for me... and they are pressing me to do therapy but i've just told them that i dont want to do therapy anymore right now because its too much for me right now atleast...

when i was going to therapy it wasnt helping anyway... she even said herself we werent making any progress...

they also want me to do a day program thing but i just dont think i can manage that either, being around other people sober is not a strong point of mine... i get depressed really fast... and anxious...

i just dont think there is any hope... trying to make peace with the way things are... with the depression... and the pain... i just dont want to hurt anymore...

sorry... i dont know where my mind is right now... i hate this...
i dont see any way out... dont wanna die... so i just get high...
keeps the suicide feelings away... its been like .. i dont count days... but like 3 or 4 days probably...