You were so expressive, you can write SO well, I can almost imagine your intelligence, wit, and how did it feel to write it all out, your language was so expressive it must have been cathartic. You are the kind of person I enjoy talking to at a great length when I help others who also are as ill as I am, I feel you are the type that feels deep and makes great connections. i also 'remember a better time..' and I do vividly and I also feel like a 'beast i've become..' do you keep a journal? Perhaps more expressive writing will help more and you can be even more explicit in a journal, keep it with you at all times, I even drive to the side of the road when a thought comes out I want to write down. You had some really good years and with a little tweaklng perhaps your abilities to have good years can come back, and you will always have these memories in the bottom of your heart. I love you and wish you the best.