Trigger warning



Trigger



Warning



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I can't stop remembering bad crises I've been through and I need to get it out. I decided to post here and get it out. Trigger warning is just so I won't harm any of you.

Age 17- depression is bad and anxiety is worse. Got sent to acute child psych services against my will for crisis counseling. Almost got hospitalized but instead had to go there every night for counseling for four or five nights and they called me every night to check on me.

17- taken to er for self harming after some weird episode and put in intensive outpatient counseling at local hospital. Last two days and they discharged me saying I need one on one counseling.

18-police, ems come to my school after people found out if been self harming there. Interrogated by police and treated like crap. Almost detained against my
Will and taken to hospital but my sister showed up and they released me to her. Had to get psych eval before I could return to school. First ip for five days. Fun 72 hr hold.

Twenties: lots of bad decisions. Lots of hospitalizations. Lots of new scars and pain. 14 hospitalizations.

2013: May, I overdosed on klonopin. Taken to local psych er and held overnight. Interview in am and told I could go Home. I od again a week later on doexpin which I knew was dangerous and i had researched it. Heart rate was high. Told to drink the charcoal or they'd have to force a tube up my nose. Held by security all night sent by ambulance to psych floor next morning.

Two years ago: in July I head my uncles gun to my head and considered pulling the trigger. Not sure what stopped me. Decided I'd wait. When t got it out of me what was bothering me he asked me to go ip and said he "didn't wanna make my decisions for me"....I would t been sent so I agreed to go.

Two Decembers ago: I was SO suicidal and desperate to die but I did not have a gun. I went to crisis chat online and guess what! They sent the freaking state
Police to me house. He questioned me and called ambulance and I was informed I HAD to go to the hospital. I lied through my teeth and got out of it. Little did they know I had been manic and hearing things.

2016: my first psychosis. Two trips ip for a total of 33 days. Diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic features.

2017: psychosis again but mild


Now: feeling relatively stable.

In all this I've heard and seen and felt things that weren't real. I've had times when I felt I wanted to run naked through the rain but did it in my clothes, snag worship song all night because I thought I had to so a God would know I love him, met a stranger from the Internet and initiated sexual activity at his house in another state (no clue where I was!!!) and been delusional thinking satan was attacking me and I needed an exorcism and had plans to go get one.

Am I bipolar? I've been diagnosed so by 2-3 doctors now. How can my therapist say I might not be of she wasn't around for the crazy **** I used to do. I'm feeling lost and confused.