I somehow still can't find the anger.

I don't know how to EXPRESS any anger because even if I was aware of having anger, my ex T is avoiding me and I tried everything I could to establish a line of communication and that was not reciprocated. She made every effort to not have to talk to me whatsoever. So it's like, whatever, it's completely totally done absolutely. Period. I accepted that.

I am recognizing that I have internalized my anger towards myself rather than pointing it towards my ex T. So there is anger but I mostly feel angry at myself for being vulnerable and thusly allowing her to abandon me. I think she avoided me because she does not want to have to confront the fact that I could be angry due to her exploitation of my vulnerability and rejection of my need for healthy dependency.

These last few years have effed with my head SO much. I have been acting completely crazy and not like myself at all. I lost so much time. I have been suffering from a lot of physical symptoms and suffering and discomfort instead of feeling my emotions. I have wanted life to just go away and stop bothering me. I have just been weird and I've been driving people away and I simultaneously hated myself for it but also couldn't get back to normal.

Honestly I don't think I even find her attractive anymore. I think I was getting very confused from transference. I think I was not myself.

I think I deserve to be angry I just don't really know what that feels like.