i usually listen to music...

or play music, but just like with everything else i feel like nothing really matters and everything i do doesnt really make much difference... i force myself to smile and try to be around people to hide from these feelings and it was working but it seems to be reaching a point where it just wants to break through, again..

i guess because one cant ignore this stuff and stuff it inside for so long before it tries to resurface... i just thought that i was making progress, not stuffing it inside, because i was feeling better i thought... but who am i to say, i dont know what i feel or even understand feelings...

i should be used to this all by now... but i just wish that i didnt have to go through it...

maybe it has something to do with something my ex-T said one time... expanding into the environment and then contracting... since i've been socializing more and trying to get out...

i dont have any pets, and honestly dont feel like cleaning but i dunno.. if i get bored enough i might try... though its only temporary and i know that these feelings just keep coming back...

im just trying to survive... thats all i can do... just hope that maybe this will pass soon and not escalate.. just trying not to think about the pointlessness... trying to stay distracted...