One thing that makes it tough for me is that I am almost positive I would get back if I slipped. This last time, it was more about the unhealthy cycle of a big dose of adderall in the morning and an "alcohol enhanced" dose of trazodone at night than it was about just the drinking.

I was drinking alone and hiding it, breaking two of "da rules" but wasn't out of control. I dosed myself with 24oz of 12% per night about 3-4 nights a week. A couple of times I had a little more but never got to the stagger and slur stage. I only did it when I was in for the night.

I am not trying to justify it, just pointing out that it is easy to and I know my mind will go there at some point. I have never had a DUI or missed work due to drinking; I do have some semblance of control. But it is just a semblance.

It's been years since I drank to the stagger and slur stage, but I have done it when I was intending to stop short of that. I have driven (not recently) when I could have gotten a DUI. Nothing magic happened to change me from being that person. I didn't do those things this last time I allowed myself to drink again and I stopped before I did. That still doesn't change anything.

I wasn't just drinking. There was the adderall - 30 to 40 mg of immediate release every morning. I dabbled in opioids when I had pain pills and cleaned out the medicine cabinet (wife had leftovers; some muscle relaxers also). When I got allergy related drip, I told the doc that the hacking cough that went with it wasn't responding to OTC syrup and got the tasty codeine syrup, which was always used up a little faster than the label indicated it should be. I have bipolar disorder and I take other prescribed meds; I was playing with fire. So the semblance of control was just that.

I should not drink or use ever again.

But I know the mind will start twisting it again at some point, painting good fortune as control, especially if I let myself become an unreasonable person (if I stop taking meds because I think I am cured; an intertwined recurring problem).