Oh goodness--it sounds like you feel really really awful in both your soul and your body. I am so sorry.

I am in a not-totally-dissimilar situation at the moment b/c I just moved and it is so so so hard not to be able to see/call/email/whatever my former pdoc and t and get support from them. (And on top of that it makes me feel crazy that I was/am so attached to and dependent on them, so that adds to the depression/self-hate stuff.)

I also have times when I feel really needy... and even though I try hard to articulate my needs, sometimes just saying how bad I feel and asking for what I think might help doesn't result in me getting the things I've asked for... and even if I do get the thing I've requested, sometimes it doesn't end up making me feel any better. So I've started do things to get attention and I HATE that and I don't understand it but I keep doing it and I don't know how to stop or what else to do.

For me it helped to post here because usually I would talk about things with former pdoc/t but now I can't... and my friends/colleagues know I struggle with really awful depression but I don't feel like I can get into the nitty-gritty with most of them because I don't want to scare them/don't want them to think (/know) how sick I am, etc.

I guess I didn't realize how much I was keeping inside until I started posting here again yesterday and then everything started flowing out and today I feel a little better. (Also yoga/guided meditations sometimes help me a little when the depression is manifesting especially intensely in my body--I get a combo of restlessness/listlessness and also have belly pain and can't sleep-- so I've been doing a lot of those things and sometimes they help)

So, I'm so sorry you're feeling all of this terrible pressure inside. You're not alone in having really intense and awful feelings sometimes. I'm here to listen if it would help to write about what's going on, and I know that lots and lots of other PCers are too.