I found out in psychotherapy that my family ( mother and two older sisters) catapulted me into Alcoholism. Mother was a sadistic psychopath with narcissistic tendencies ( one therapist told me this--I think she had the Dark Triad personality disorder but more on that later)

She groomed my two older sisters to be her thugs; if she wasn't around, they made sure I was miserable. Most of my childhood is a blank to me and what I do remember is horrid. I ended up severing ties with all of them. But, I have daily flashbacks of them being monstrous, needling and yelling at me. I see mother standing in the doorway of my bedroom with her nasty sneer on her face, the leather belt she used to beat me hanging at her side.

In 1990, I began in recovery. It has been up and down, but the past several years are where I have made significant progress. I have learned that considering the environment I was raised in, it was impossible for me to have turned out any different.

I understand behavior now, and how I became who I did and how I am getting better. My current goal is to write personal essays on what happened, why I became who I became and how every day is better for me because of the work I have done for and on myself. Some people have read some of my essays and have given me stellar feedback on it. So, I believe I can reach people with it and my hope is to help others feel better about themselves and get help so they can continue to get better.

This is my fear: Having been brought up in such an abusive environment, I still struggle with being hurt by the people who abused me because it will be evident who they are from my writing. Their lives could be destroyed by it. They have never been held accountable for their abuse. I don’t feel as crippled as I once was by it, but the fears are still there. For example, a few years ago, I self-published a book on my background under a pen name. I was still so traumatized by the fear of them hurting me I could not bring myself to promote it. I deleted it and moved on.

Now, today, I really want and need to publish my writing because I believe a lot of people could be helped by it. I worry about being trolled about it, death threats and physical danger for me. I have been working hard for years on accepting it but it is so deeply ingrained in me that I will probably have it for the rest of my life.

Just writing this out here is helping me. So, feedback, anyone? Can anyone relate to this?