i have an appointment on the 26th with my doctor, but i dont really know what to tell her

like... i guess just that i feel fake... feel really empty and depressed inside but fronting on the outside which is confusing my feelings... but i know the inside is what must be real because it is there when i am alone and when i am around people, the fronts just come out when i am around people.. sometimes i just wish i could scream at people that i am in pain and want to be left alone, but instead i continue fronting, masking everything the best i can and its really starting to get old.. i dont like being like this, i dont know who i am or what i am like because im always someone else or something else

but when i go in to see the doctor the fronts are on too and i cant turn it off, so i end up not being able to speak and not being able to say what i really need to say because of it... and then when i leave i start realizing how things should have gone different and things that i should of said and done...

i feel like my mind wants me to be miserable... imprisoned in this mind... self sabotage?
its something out of my control though...

i just feel ****ed for lack of better words...

numb... i hope that she can do something to help with the medications... i just dont know if i can keep on doing this, i dont want to keep going through feeling better and then falling apart... putting pieces back together and then breaking all over again...

it gets worse every time and last time it was really bad and i dont want to experience it any more!

what medication can help something like this..? i've tried so many, i was thinking about just getting back on the abilify because ive tried so many...

i just wish i had something to hold onto, a positive in my life... i feel like there is nothing there, no positives... no hope... i mean im a good guy, but its meaningless...

i guess i'll find out next week what she decides to do and if i am capable of telling her whats going on or not... i just hope i dont shut down or front like everything is fine...