When i was first diagnosed I read everything I could get my hands on about bp. Mania is hard to understand because it's different for each person I guess. There are times when I get so fixated on a project that I don't sleep at all because I'm obsessed with what I'm doing. I'm very impulsive. If the thought even just fleetingly crosses my mind to do something crazy, dangerous or stupid I just do it and don't think of the consequences. (I should mention I'm 51, so I should know better.) Then even though my main goal in life is to avoid all drama (can't handle drama) I can fly off the handle at the stupidest little thing. And I use to hallucinate. Other than that I mainly just have varying degrees of constant depression, anxiety, confined almost always to my bedroom. My uncle, brother and son all have been diagnosed bp 1.
I don't know why it's so hard for me to understand. It's just that you can't see it on a lab report or x ray or MRI so it's not real. Which makes you blame yourself for being this way. Like it's something you've done to make you this way. Like you could stop it if you really wanted to.
I see a new pdoc in 2 weeks. Maybe I'll get a clearer understanding of myself and something that will actually help. Thanks for listening to my rambling.