Hi

Today I lost my family or maybe they lost me. I feel really sad but I think it was the only option. I am 43 and it took me about 13 years of counselling to get to this point.
So my father was an alcoholic, he died when I was 18. He and my grandmother (she died when I was 12) were the only family members who supported me. My father less and less whilst his addiction progressed. During last few years of his life he was most of time unavailable (either drunk or wasn't coming back home for weeks).
My sister was always my Mum's favourite child (she is 1.5 years younger than me) and the only thing I remember is that whatever she wanted, even if it was mine, she got. If I didn't want to give it to her, she would start crying and my mother simply would yell at me that I am older and should understand and give her whatever she wanted. This is really my earliest memory. No support from anyone, me losing a battle after battle with my sister, not because she was right buy because she had a strong adult ALWAYS on her side. My father worked in another city so he was back for the weekends only. Then it was a bit of a relief, he would give me a bit of support. As you can imagine, it didn't make my relationship with my sister easy and I was really jeleaous of her. And used to hit her as a child but of course then was beaten up by my Mum even more. I stopped hitting her when I was a bit older (after early years of my primary school) and when understood that it wasn't a good thing to do and I felt really guilty about it and still feel.
Anyway as you can imagine I was labelled by the bad one from childhood, how I cannot understand that I need to be generous with my sister - the stories how I pushed a cot when I was 2 and my sister fell out of it etc (I do not remeber it) but in general it was a proof how bad I was. And I believed it for a very long time.
I remember my mother only yelling at me. When I got to teenage years, I started yelling back and it kept her away (and my sister too) but you can imagine I was labelled even as a worse than I was before.
And until I started counselling, I was always trying to 'deserve' to have a place in the family - not even to be loved. So when my father died, officially we didn't have money so I started giving maths tuition to show how good daughter I was and any clothes or other stuff I wanted I bought form it. My mother never told me that there was a money from his company after his death, for me and my sister, all of it went to my sister and my mother. I found out years after, when my sister mentioned it mistakenly. Then I was paying for her accommodation during her studies, I made lots of 'deals' that were very good for her but terrible for me etc.
Then I went to the uni, got some money but had to work so hard to repay it etc, anyway I had good results so got scholarship every year and tried to get some work. Not sure what happened but I got the money for the students hostel and to cover lunches. No more than this. I think this was to have still control over me as they realised I started working, got scholarship so may not come back. And I must admit I wasn't going back home very often. But felt guilty etc, and always heard that I do not show any gratitude (well when never I went there it was to do some heavy duty work as my sister has a bad back or some other nonsense - I have scoliosis and it was absolutely ignored). This is when I also started hearing form my sister that she never wanted me as a sister (she is younger so I was there when she was born) as it's better when I don;t come back home. And she is happy that I moved out.
Also I developed allergy to cats, and of course my sister insisted on having 2 cats (she is a vet) and then being surprised why I don;t want to stay at home when I go there. And again how terrible I am. Maybe it was my ssiter's way to keep me away from home.
After the uni I started working, was paying for my sister's accommodation tp 'deserve' to be in the family and then bought a flat. I must admit, my mother helped me with this. I got some money, it was the cheapest flat I could find as renting was very expensive. it was a tiny studio flat. Then of course to save the money, I had a duty for my sister to stay with me. She never cleaned, never respected me, the only thing was to hear for 4 years how terrible I was, dirty, and also adapt to her hours, so if she is back at 8 nd I come back at 11 then I get told off for waking her up but if it's the other way round then I'm ureasonable. I got to a depressive state from all this and simply told her to find another accommodation within a month. Of course she ignored it but I was firm. And then there was drama, my mother calling me and telling me how I coud do it to my sister, I was unable to explain that her behaviour was just abloslutel terrible. Anyway they didn't speak to me for 2 years. Then I think I made enough effort so they started talkign to me again, I think the money is what they wanted.
Of dear so long letter. Anyway, there were lots times like this, I started counselling at some point and slowly started setting the boundaries. I would aslo like to add that my sister still lives with my mother. She has a son, the father of the son left her as said that he can;t live with at my mother's that he hoes they would build their life together. No idea why my sister never wanted to move out - this is the part I cannot understand. Anyway, my mother gave her that flat so it;s my sister's now. It's fine as my sister contriites to it and I got some money for that previous flat (much less but the price went up), the thing I didn;t like is that they did it behind my back. When I said anything about it, my sister made such a massive fuss (not sure why they say that I'm the terrible).
I live in London and in 2012 my sister came over to see the Olympic games. I was so happy to host her and my nephew. Unfortunately it was pretty obvious that the clue was in 'Olympic Games'. So she wanted to show her son Olympic Games not to see me. She behaved like she was the owner of my flat,like I was a kind of a lady to clean up dishes and a person who is making noise and who is trying to stress out her son (her way of bringing up a child was stress free) so for instance I said no drawing on walls - she thought it was horrible, how could I say 'no' to her son. We had a massive quarrel after when it was obvious I wasn't going to sponsor everything. And since then I again heard that it's easier without me and better if I don't come. So I stopped. Haven't been there for 5 years. I tried to be in contact with my nephew telling my sister that maybe at least I could be in touch with him if we can't get on. The answer was that I have to make an effort then as he is a child. And when I want to talk to him on skype (I talk to my Mum, she actually started, not sure why really. Maybe it's guilt), he refuses. My sister's response is that she can;t make him if he doesn't want to talk to me. So probably effort means expensive presents. And also I think whether it is a child or not, both sides need to make some effort. And also it's mother's responsibility to teach the child some social behaviour. Anyway, I was sitll sending her birthday greetings and also for Xmas and Easter. And sometimes I got a rude answer, sometimes nothing. So today it;s the first time I decided really not to make any effort and not to wish her happy birthday (it's her birthday today). I feel really sad and have even tears in my eyes, as it's very clear that I don't have a family but also feel liberated. These are my rules. Now she needs to make an effort.Not sure she will but I don't care and I don't want to be treated like I don't deserve to be alive.
And I also feel vey sad that my mother doesn't do anything about it, she is trying to convince me to come and only gets offended if I tell her why, agian playing the victim card, and waiting for me to go probably heads on with my sister and proving that I'm the bad one. Or atmosphere would be terrible but if I left they would be sayin how could leave early, we are family. Been there before.
I have friends who like me, have problems with finding a loving guy (due to my past - I don't believe I can be loved) but am working on this and there is some progress.
Thanks for reading, this was very long.
But I think I've been getting to this point gradually through last few years of counselling and working on my needs and my feelings.

New chapter in my life stars tomorrow.

This is the closure.