So that's a good point. I think the reason I didn't do that in this instance is b/c historically even if I am very explicit in verbalizing my wants/needs with former pdoc and T, their responses often doesn't make me feel any better.

Like when I text my pdoc and tell him I'm feeling really awful and I don't know what to do and I need help and he calls and it's useless because all he can really say is "yeah I know you feel really bad right now, I'm sorry" and it just makes me feel worse.

Or when I got up the guts to tell T that I really wanted her to put a hand on my shoulder or give me a hug every once in a while and she was basically like "that's not my thing." (I get it--everybody has their own boundaries, their own way of practicing... but it still sucked.)

And often I literally cannot think of anything that might help. I wish I could but I can't. I say every idea that comes to mind and answer all of their questions but honestly after trying everything I could think of for so long I've run out of ideas. They're supposed to be the experts in this crap; aren't they supposed to be able to help me figure that out?

So I guess in this instance I could have said to one or the other of them, "I feel really awful and I don't know what to do and I need help" but so so many times in the past, saying that exact thing has not resulted in them doing anything that actually made me feel better.

(The trouble is that I can't even tell if this therapy thing is helping at all but I don't know what to do so I keep trying but then I get mad when I put in all this time and effort and it doesn't work.)