Thanks daisydid. You're right of course. An ongoing piece of my work in therapy was letting myself feel. On one hand I'm all about feelings and trusting them above all else but at the same time I tend to become them when they're strong and that's when I push against them. I don't know how to "just" feel them without becoming them, which t never could understand, maybe because I can't explain it any better than that. It's good though that they are coming in waves because I am feeling them in little chunks today between calls at work, cry a little then get a call and dry my eyes and carry on, until the next time. It helps a lot to talk here. Thanks for putting up with me.