Hi all,

I'm back on these forums after a good 8 -almost 9- months. I just need to revisit this outlet I guess.

My life...it's kind of been a **** show since March.
My usual problems stem from relationships. This post is no exception.

Maybe a Borderline thing...? I thought it was a good idea to go pick up a girl I had known for a while (although not well) over the internet and move in with her. That was December 2016. Relationship went pretty well. But she wouldn't get a job. Long story short...she used me. March comes along...she finds herself another girl and moves in with her (right after she actually found a job and was suppose to start helping to pay rent). Then she quit the job. This girl and I were still on and off until last month. She probably was with three or four different girls and kept breaking up with them to get back with me and visa versa. Now she lives with a third or fourth girl (I lost count I think). So let's get it clear...this girl has lived with 3 different girls in a matter of 7 months.

Anyway...where it ALL went even more wrong. I had enough of her **** one night. I was very angry. Very upset. Writing about this actually causes me to be sick to my stomach. A month ago we were together. She chose to break up with me in a public park, BUT she did not do this in a normal way. She showed up with hickey's all over her neck. The other girl was there and asked her straight up in front of me to break up with me for her. And she did it. I HAD IT. I don't know...something in me snapped. Before I knew it, I got in my car and I hit the car that my now ex was about to leave in. Then I got scared because they called the cops. I ran from the cops. It was a high speed chase.

Fast forward to now. The girl has an order of protection against me and I have been going to TONS (and there are still more) of court dates for traffic violations. They have kept my car as evidence and put me on a restricted license. It looks like I can potentially end up with three misdemeanors: criminal mischief 4 (for hitting the car on purpose), reckless driving, and unlawful fleeing from the cops. And all that is without including whatever my ex may try to pull with the order of protection. I can't talk to her for another five months or I can go to jail, but idk if at family court they may try to push some other charges on me.

Anyway...I really hope ya'll don't think I'm crazy. I'm just here for support I guess. I can't get the kind of support I want from a lot of other people. I told my friends what happened. I get a lot of tough love. I told my Mom and well...she's just PISSED. She doesn't even like it when I mention my ex. I don't think she understands how big a part in this my ex played and is still playing. So my mom. No support on that end. She tells me to drop it if I bring my ex up.

I never had my mental illnesses (Bipolar II and Anxiety) plus my Borderline Personality Disorder get me into legal trouble before (although I did come close once before). I don't want to blame it fully on being -excuse my language- f'd up. But the fact I didn't take my medications and stopped going to therapy def. played a roll. Leading up to the event I was VERY manic. I spent TONS of money I didn't have and I never wanted to sit still. Now...you'd think I'd go back to therapy and start my meds again. Turns out when I tried...I found out I got kicked out by my old therapist. So gotta find a new one. Idk if ya'll know finding a new therapist and psychiatrist is nearly impossible. So I'm going to all these court dates...and YES I am VERY suicidal...AND I have no therapist and no meds.

So...I can end up with misdemenors. Then how am I going to get a good job? I'm lucky I just found one at a gas station. I don't want to be working stupid jobs for life. But let's be real...in the time I've been gone from this forum (for 8 months) I've lost 4 jobs. I've been fired from 4 jobs. Why? Depression. General not wanting to work. Hating the job...quitting the job...but instead of quitting I just stopped going. And well...that gets you fired pretty quickly.

So...here I am. In legal trouble. I did everything I could do for that girl. I gave her a home. I spent SO much money on her. Now she's in my hometown because of me. And I've got legal trouble because of her. I'm just saying...she pushed me to do what I did because she lied and cheated so many times I just couldn't take it anymore. For some reason I couldn't just drive home...I wasn't thinking and then BOOM drove into that car and outran the police. Now I'm f'd for now and maybe for my life. I feel like I was blacked out for the moment. I knew what I was doing, but it was like blinking. Total impulse. Not thinking about consequences or what I was doing. Kinda just like if I decided to eat a slice of pizza. Make sense? Here we go...IMPULSE (ding ding ding...need I say "BORDERLINE"?)!

I don't know why I'm writing this. Support? Venting? No other place to go? I'm not sure. The fact...I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I try to be strong, but really I am so damn weak. I try to stay positive, but really HOW can I when I may never be able to lead a successful life because of mental illness, personality disorder, AND NOW legal trouble...a criminal record?!
Where am I suppose to go in life? How am I suppose to get anywhere in life?
I am lower than low and I don't have any help. And no I'm not going to a mental hospital again. They only keep me safe while I'm there...then I leave...and I'm just as screwed up as I was when I went in.

I just want help. But there is no help. What is anyone suppose to do? What am I suppose to do? I just...I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I made huge mistakes. I'm sorry for those mistakes. But now I'm going to pay for them for A LONG TIME and maybe the rest of my life.

Has anyone here ever gotten into legal trouble? Something similar maybe? I'm not really surprised at the reckless driving. That's Borderline for you. But I never thought I was capable of purposely running into someone's car or going on a high speed police chase. I wasn't me when this stuff happened. And I still don't feel like me. I feel like a bad person. A bad person who was used, cheated on, etc. until she reached her breaking point.

Lord please help me get through this. This process is going to last for a couple months probably by the time all the court is over with. And I don't know what's going to be left on my criminal record. What if all this is for nothing? I can't be a criminal. I won't live as one. I will be better off dead. Lord I need more strength than I have.