Just had a kinda long talk with h. Well, long for him anyway. He rarely breaks away from the tv long enough for an actual long talk. But he let me talk out more of my feelings about leaving t. He said he thinks that I just need to leave it alone now and let her be dead to me. I said that I don't know if I could do that. that i want some kind of closure, i feel like we have no closure right now. and that if i do it his way and then say a year from now learn of her death i would be consumed with self-hatred for not going back once for a closure session to say goodbye. he said well i don't know what to say. he said you love her, admit it. i'm like **** dude i've never doubted that i love her and i know that i love her too much. i asked him to please not lecture me, because it started sounding like a lecture, i said what i really need is you to listen, i need to talk through this and let myself feeeeeeel this in order to work through it. and i told him i know that spending a weekend with my girls in MO is going to really really be helpful. he also said why don't you use her sorta like a prostitute and pay her twice a year just to talk to her. he was trying to make me laugh i think but that just made me cry more.

informal couch poll - in my situation, do you think you would feel worse NOT having a closure session? Or having a closure session and then having to do some of the grieving all over again? granted, i don't have to decide anything right now. I have a month. I may feel completely different by then. I hope I do. I just have this thing you know that i hate not knowing things - i think i have to make the perfect decision right now, and there is no perfect, right decision here which is another thing h said.

I know i'm getting really annoying for continuing to post about this. h has been more helpful than ever lately, which i am grateful for, but he has his limits, so here i am. at least y'all can choose to not read my posts. he's stuck in the same house with me.

Thanks for listening.