from what ur saying i think ur in denial.. its normal to be in denial. it will make sense some day in the future. I was in denial for the longest time about SI. I scratch my self but if it didnt penitrate the skin its not SI.. I know now it was the begining.. But this works in a cycle denial if the first step of the cycle, then its acceptance, greif, and then healing... I think thats how it goes.. well if this sounds all mummbled up.. sorry really tired...