I wasn't sure where to put this, since it's probably going to have a bit of a number of different mental health issues + family issues + school issues so I figure this general topic would work.. sorry if it's wrong. I'll also try not to ramble on.

I've been pretty bad for a while now, my mood is as low as it's ever been and I was in hospital for a suicide attempt a few weeks ago and I'm bordering on repeating history. My eating is non-existent and when I do eat it's an ordeal to say the least. I have overdue work that should have been done months ago for college in order for me to graduate and go to university, which doesn't look like it's going to happen. University has been my dream for as long as I can remember and it's about to not happen. The overdue work is.. it's my fault - I left it too long and now it's piled up and I know I need to get it done, but something is stopping me - depression, anxiety, or maybe just me being lazy but whatever it is, it's stupid and I hate myself for it.

Then family. I don't really have a mother anymore, she doesn't care about anything I do or say, she doesn't buy groceries for me (only for herself), she doesn't do anything for me which is fine, I'm an adult now (I'm 20) but she never did any of that when I was a minor either. She goes out with her friend drinking and comes home at 2am and she works everyday all day, so I don't see her at all. Maybe briefly on an afternoon but that's it. I have a lot of things about me I know for a fact my family wouldn't accept (my grandmother, grandad, my aunt etc) - LGBT+ **** that I don't really want to talk about.

Plus the fact I feel the worst I have in a long time, even worse than what led me to hospital a few weeks ago and I'm terrified of doing it again. I have an appointment with mental health team on the 11th but I'm not sure I can wait that long.. but at the same time, I feel like I'm just using up NHS resources? I could easily book an emergency appointment with my GP, but they'll just tell me to wait until the 11th. I could ring the crisis team but thats for crisis, and I feel like I'm permanently in crisis. I have issues with impulsivity and recklessness and it comes on in a matter of minutes so one minute I'm fine and then next I'm in hospital so.. I feel on edge about it and constantly n crisis but it's not the kind of crisis the crisis line was made for.. if that makes sense.

I don't know. My grandad offered to pay for me to go inpatient somewhere and I would accept that, I'd go tomorrow if I could. But I worry that it'll affect any chance of university, even if I get this overdue work done, I worry that going inpatient will halt university in September. I also worry that the assessment done by the private psychiatrists etc to go inpatient will come back with them telling me I'm fine.

Sorry, I know this is long. I just needed to let it all out.