I wish I had the guts to change my first name because it makes me shudder. It doesn't fit me at all who I am inside. I feel like I'm pressed down into the mold I was in as a teen, every time I just HEAR that name. It makes me feel so so so bad.

At the same time, I just don't want to deal with the battle with all relatives that would be super critical. I wish I had done it when I was younger and had more energy.

I did change my last name though, and I am really really happy with that name!

So then I though of changing my middle name and informally go as that one. But that name was chosen by my dad and he wanted it as my first name, a name I would have been happier with even if it is not an ideal name either. So I sort of want to keep my middle name. Many people here have two middle names so.. yea.. I'll keep thinking as I have done the last 10 years.

So the advice is, don't hesitate like me. It is just making it worse.