So you guys - I had such a slap-my-forehead realization driving home from work today that I had to pull over in a parking lot to write it down. It was this: ever since my grandma passed away like 38 years ago, I've got this deep-seated need for maternal approval both emotional and otherwise (mostly emotional) and I let t fill that need. And instead of working with it as deeply as I should have, I just continued to let her meet that need, and I became too emotionally dependent on her, instead of letting her help me learn how to meet it for myself. Maybe she never pushed it because she thought it would happen in its own time and that we were both going to still be around to let it.

And I also had another realization during work today because it was not super busy and I had time to think between calls - and rubbing my rose quartz like a worry stone while I was thinking - that we already forgave each other for the fight that launched all this bad stuff, but I had not forgiven myself yet (why is that so hard to do?) that was something I worked with on Sunday with E during my shamanic clearing - but I realized that by me not forgiving myself, I'm like dissing her forgiveness of me!! And she probably somehow picked up on that. That's powerful stuff right there.

Good golly Miss Molly but this had to happen this way. I AM beginning to see it as a gift - something that I am already growing from - and maybe, just maybe, my psyche KNEW this was the only way I was going to get to this bit of work - and so that was the super-strong drive to end that I've been feeling, not knowing why, but just knowing I needed to do it.

I hope this makes sense to somebody besides me. It seems so crystal-clear at the moment. And I didn't have any tearful waves of emotion today. I expect that the time between them will increase as time goes by.

Thank you all again SO much for your support as I wade through this "Leaving T". I've never had a relationship quite like this one in my entire life, and so I've never had to leave one like this either, and it's really a huge learning experience.