I sometimes amaze myself at what comes out of my mouth in therapy. I have never talked so openly about my wish to be dead with any other T, mainly my last long term T of 5 years. She never knew the depth of my self-hatred and wish to just be over life. Though to be fair, I think my depression has worsened as well. Who the eff knows. I spent most of session talking about how I just wish that I could turn off the part of my brain that cares. I wish i didn't care that if I died, it would ruin my mom and dad and brother's lives. Or my best friend. It is annoying, because most of the time I feel like I am only living to exist for other people, and it really isn't any fun.

I talked about how ridiculous it was that I survived a very serious premature birth (with no complications nonetheless) to only waste away my life, doing and getting nothing out of it.

That being said, there is just so much turmoil or something in there that never can come out in words during session. It is crazy-making.