Earlier this morning I started reading up on hypomania and depression. I hadn't read anything about detailed bipolar symptoms in about five years resulting in a forgotten clarity of the disease. But, now, after having read over a descriptive commentary, I find myself in an almost, if not emergent, quiet, questioningly quickening, desperation. I cannot remember my life! I try to find points in my life that align with BP symptoms, and there are suggestive moments, but I cannot give substance to them because I can't recall the full details of those experiences.

It's like my past is a world in undiluted blackness, where I can only briefly, abjectly so, and sparsely shine a light on its events while the Demogorgon pursues me; just illuminating enough to indicate something, "movement"; seeing, possibly quieting, abstruse and apocryphal ripples on a water's surface. But, then there are thoughts of "I know this," "I remember...," or "I recall that time..."

It is apparent that I've experienced mild and moderate and severe, maybe even psychotic, states of depression. I "remember" the ostensibly ambiguous elevated moods, a questionable abnormal normal -- the charisma, sleep disturbances, agitation, decision fatigue, nuclear meltdowns resultant of ambivalence and catastrophically frustrating bouts of boredom or ennui, engendered passion and indomitable drive, the starting and not completing; but those are from the past, doubtful -- some more so concrete while others are decidedly plastic -- sublimations and remembrances of memories of reverberations, lost in translation, from irregular, two dimensional modulations between my early childhood and mid-to-late twenties. Since the summer of 2014, though, it seems I've been only floating haphazardly from mild to crippling and/or suicidal depression. I can't remember a single moment of "good" since that summer.

There's this entirely defeating and exhausting gravity between recognition, doubt, cognizance, acceptance, and rejection.

I really want "this" to be over. I have no idea how to find my way out; I have no compass and there are no stars.