"I have no compass and there are no stars."

Beautifully put. There are times these days when I feel the same way. I have very little recollection of my decades on this planet, especially since starting bipolar meds twenty years ago. Since I can't recall past mistakes, it seems I'm doomed to repeat them. I've made the same mistake over and over again, and always find myself going for the short-term fix rather than the longer-term stability. I always seek change, in whatever form that may take.

Madness it is, and I have to believe that madness it will be. That's not a statement of despair, but one of fact based on past experience.

Mania is my friend and depression is my enemy. It's not that I want to be full-blown manic, but I want to experience the emotional highs I used to get out of life before the meds stole them away. I never experience joy anymore, the best I can hope for is contentment.....and even that is elusive and fleeting.

People without the disorder get to experience a full range of emotions - I feel blunted both high and low. Doctors try to tell me this is "normal," but I don't buy it. Someday I want to be on a minimal amount of meds; enough to ward off the crushing depressions that steal my soul, enough to keep my mania from making me think I can fly if I jump from a church steeple.....but I want to be able to feel high and low. I want to be able to laugh and to cry; neither of which I can do now.

I want to live.