Quote:
Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal
Exactly. I was talking about a similar idea a couple of years ago. At that time, even now in truth, I would've welcomed, for me at least, an extended influx of hypomania. There would have been the inevitable crash, no doubt. But, I feel like that elevated respite would've been worth it. As then and as now, I like you, don't or can't feel and haven't felt joy in any memorable fashion in quite a while. I'd once even stated a similar sentiment regarding contentment. Being simply content seems so dull to me, but exuberance or passion, specifically that rare fire, are states of entirely more rich colors.
I don't really know how to exist or see the world without that flame. Being without it is alien. I suppose I have to learn, but it's like being forced to learn to be someone else.
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Extended hypomania is a double edged sword. I am at 6 weeks and counting. I am not getting better at filtering, I am getting sloppier because the inappropriate thoughts seem more normal every day. It is mostly low grade with some spikes. Feeling slightly buzzed every time I change activities gets old (I think that is a mix of straterra laser focus and hypomania; I zero in and shut everything else out and when I look up I get a rush that takes a few minutes to dissipate).
I am feeling more emotions, though. My pdoc kind of chuckled at me when I asked if maybe I was having low key rapid cycling. Something had happened that was normal to be sad and frustrated about but I was still crushing it at work and going bike riding and fishing; not stuff I do when depressed. that memory I talked about before seems more vibrant.
So I do like the pros of the long low grade hypo state more than the cons, but there are both. One thing that is both is I am expansive; I cannot shut up about myself, my feelings, my history, etc and it's like I have been injected with truth serum. I have outed myself to more people in the last 6 weeks than in the 23 years (length of time since first BP diagnosis) before.