I was talking to a friend today whose is not doing to good dealing with the anniversary of her mothers death, 5yrs ago...only because I was talking to her did I remember today is the 11th anni of my adoptive fathers passing....unyet I feel ok...I told her I dont think I would have remembered it was today if I hadn't been talking about grief with her today...and I told her I find it difficult to understand her pain and her love she had for and with her mother...then I thought about when I was on the plane a few weeks ago and felt on the way home that the plane was going to crash...I mean I really believed it and told myself the only thing I can do is find something good to die with and I tried to hold the memory of T in my mind...I realised that I couldnt do this using my adoptive mother...there was nothing there between us...oh I lived in fantasy growing up and replaced the "real" adoptive mother with a fantasy one..but underneath the fantasy one, was nothing...on the plane trying to think of T I said to myself...at least I can say Ive been loved by one person in this world...T...I've told T about this and she nodded...so back to todays chat with my friend...I told her that I can accept my adoptive fathers death because I spent time with him..grew up with him...knew him...and so the natural cycle of life is ok in this dept...but my real grief lies in not ever knowing my birth mother..how can I grief for her when I never knew her? when there are no memorys of having been loved?? I realised I am as far from acceptence on this matter as I've ever been..my rage and anger lie here...my inabilty to mourn her...perhaps the experience I am having with T and the feeling of being loved will one day help me let go of the grief I hold inside for my birth mother...perhaps T is the bridge from the dead to the living?...perhaps one day I will be able to accept the loss of the mother/child relationship that never was because T would have filled my needs to be loved...I hope so...