I'm only 3 days in to an 18 day break from therapy. Sadly, this is coinciding with my feeling really down. Maybe it's the holidays or my personal circumstances or some recent negative and hurtful experiences with people who are very important to me, but I just feel like such a failure and so depressed. Like I just don't want to be here anymore. Here meaning planet Earth. Like if I didn't exist anymore, it would be OK. Feeling this way, it seems pointless to even go to therapy. What can a therapist do for you when you feel this way? I have been tempted to call and cancel my appointment with T, just because I feel so glum and hopeless. What is that all about? The appointment is 15 days away and maybe by then I will feel fine.

But it makes me wonder, what can a T do in therapy if you feel so down? If I were to go to therapy today, feeling this way, what would I hope to get from T? I feel that I would just want to sit with him and be down, be sad, cry, let him feel my hopelessness, but I wouldn't want to talk about it. I have no desire to tell him anything. Just be with him and let him hold my feelings of sadness and hopelessness. I kind of want him to physically hold me while I cry, but when I truly try on that idea, I know I don't really want it. It would be uncomfortable and awkward. So what would I hope for from the session? Just the empathy, the non-physical holding, maybe him pulling himself close to me on his chair and looking at me so directly and warmly in that way he has, and feeling all of his energy there in the room, so powerful. It might awaken mine. I don't know.

I think if I heard what your T's would do, it might cheer me up. I don't know why. Tell me what your T's would do....