Hi everyone.

I've been feeling down in the dumps for quite a while, I've started posts before about my concerns over my masters degree and also about issues with social anxiety and self esteem in my relationship and such. I'm having a really bad blip again today and not sure how to cope with it. It's like if one thing starts bothering me everything comes crashing down and my thoughts just get carried away.

I've realised that all my problems with anxiety and depression and what not come from low self esteem. For some reason I absolutely hate myself and don't feel worthy of anything I have or want to have in the future.

I know this has come from childhood, I was bullied by family and people at school about my weight and about issues with my personality (mainly that I'm apparently too sensitive and take things too personally etc) I get all my self worth from other people's response to me, I want to please all the time to get a good response so I will feel better about myself. But even when I do get a nice response it's not enough. I've changed myself to fit with what I think people want I've completely lost myself in the process.

I used to be so happy and joyful. Used to laugh at everything. But now I just feel like I'm pretending all the time and that I'm faking it. People don't like fake people but they also don't like miserable people either!

This is effecting every area of my life particularly where uncertainty is concerned. My relationship: I don't feel good enough for my partner. I worry he will find someone better or cheat on me etc, even though he is the most wonderful man I've ever met and deep down I know he never would. I worry I wouldn't be able to cope if he left. I've learnt to hide my insecurity in the relationship because I don't want to ruin it like I did the last one, but it eats away at me and has me in floods of tears regularly. When I'm in a downward spiral I analyse every single text to try and tell whether he's going to leave me or not.

My masters: I'm so terrified I won't be able to cope if I fail it. What if I end up homeless? What if I can't get a job? Have no money? I feel my partner would definitely leave me then as I would be useless.

Future job: even applying for jobs gives me terrible anxiety. I don't feel confident enough and don't think people like me enough to give me a reference. I'm terrified of the prospect of it. I don't know what I want to do anyway, and everything so far I've sort of fallen into... id be too scared even if I did know what I wanted to do because I think there would be someone better for it than me.

Health: I suffer from health anxiety, ocd and contamination fears. I feel unlovable enough as it is without adding some scary condition on top of it.

Social relationships: I can't relax and be myself. I don't know how to talk to people, when I'm in a situation I'm constantly thinking how to respond to get them to like me so I can like myself . I actually get sweaty and stuff when I talk to other people. I also feel awkward and embarassed when I'm stood or sat alone?? Like all eyes are on me and everyone is noticing.

My weight: I beat myself up about this constantly. I comfort eat as a form of self medication I suppose. But then feel guilty. I'm putting weight on and worried about other half leaving me again if I get any bigger. I'm not particularly huge but I'm overweight and very disproportionate.

I'm not sure what to do. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest. I spend hours upon hours Googling for advice on building self esteem, getting over insecurities etc, but it all just seems so wishy washy I don't think it'll work. I don't think looking in a mirror and telling my reflection that I love myself is enough

I'm not on any medication atm. I was on citalopram but I got health anxiety over it, as I was scared of mixing it with my mini pill and if it would have any weird health effects. I'm also due for some therapy soon, however am on a waiting list. This is supposed to deal with the contamination and ocd issues.
Not sure about the rest.

If anyone has any advice or feels similarly then please!! I'm starting to feel like things are never going to get better.