It's ok Heidu.......I've been waiting for this. As I have typed replies those little voices in my head have always said exactly what you have brought up here.

The only time I have to find out who and what I am is either here or in my T's office............anywhere else and I have to be doing something for someone - regardless of who it is. I am tired of simply being looked at as a means to an end - picked up when needed, ignored when not. Everyone in my real life (not counting my son) has done this to me - they don't see a person with thoughts, feelings, etc.....they see someone who can do something for them or fix something. This is my firm conviction of not being worth anything unless things are going well, I work myself to death and achieve, I'm supporting my family, etc.

My T wants nothing from me, same as here. I go there and talk because he just wants to know how I am.........nothing else. Whenever I have needed anything from someone, they usually end of hurting me somehow and I end up without what I needed......even if it is a hug. Like with my husband......if I want a simple backrub because I hurt, or a hug it automatically leads to him pushing me for sex and ignoring my refusals. Thus I try to stay away from him at all times - I get tired of being forced just for a hug.

I agree, my T deserves more..........I am as open and honest with him as I can.....but asking for "help" directly I can not do - the words simply don't come out. I am expecting too much from him, I know that. He can't "save" me unless I let him - but that small part inside will let him if I can allow him to get down that far. I am trying to, really.

You are not harsh or pushy..........you've spoken bluntly and I'm glad - ty. I don't want to hurt you or have you worry about me - that has never been my intention, as you know.

I appreciate you and everyone else here for making it possible for me to be "me" as much as I am.