My life has been ruined. I didn't like my life and myself, and instead I created hell and a worse person that I will never escape. The little hope inside me has gone. I am just waiting the moment of collapsing, and falling. There is no escape from my destiny, and no repair can be made at this point. I really really tried to fix myself, but I couldn't, and no one was there for me. Sometimes I think I created this, others I think it wasn't me. I cannot stop blaming my upbringing. I am suffering alone, and no one of my parents or family cares, but is it all my fault? I wasn't sociable because my parents's upbringing was tough. I wasn't given the freedom to develop my social skills. My parents tried to social-engineer me. Not being sociable damaged my life. I couldn't develop friendships and relationships. I couldn't talk normally with others. But all of this is useless to say now. What is done, is done. Whether it was because of others or because of me, the result is clear: I don't belong to this life. I have never felt I belong. I talk with others, but cannot connect with them. I live with them, but feel alone. I've lived by the fake hope of the slim possibility of change, but ... that's gone. I just feel pain now masked by a fake smile.