J,

I don't know how to start this. I'm kind of hoping it just comes to me as I write. I've been speaking with my "attachment disorder" friends, and they have been encouraging me for weeks to talk to you about how much I am struggling with not being able to contact you in a crisis or to send you emails when I'm entirely overwhelmed -- just to get it out of me. As well as how much I am struggling with desperately wanting a safe, ethical, but still "nurturing" therapist to do attachment work with. I feel terrified of bringing this up with you, because I am ashamed, and because I don't feel like I can handle hearing "no, that's not appropriate or allowed." My friends say that I still seem to think it's my job to know and hold the boundaries, and I guess that's true. I don't want to bump up against any boundary. I don't want to hear no. I feel like I'll die if I ask for something that's wrong.

I've been trying to think what it is I even would ask for. I still feel so ashamed and like I did something so shameful, wrong, and bad with S (exT) that I honestly don't feel like I deserve anything, like I should not be asking for anything, I should just be taking whatever I get and trying to adjust myself to that. Besides which, I am not just terrified of hearing "no," I'm terrified of hearing "yes." I'm terrified of what happened with S happening again here with you. As much as I miss being able to send an email, I am also terrified of that being allowed. As much as I want to hear you reassure me that I'm safe in your office when I get overwhelmed there, I'm terrified of you ever saying anything that will encourage my feeling safe. I am terrified of attaching to you. Period. I am just terrified. All the time.

So, I can't even reconcile anything to ask for here. Because I don't know what I need, I don't even know what I want, I only know that I'm in pain.